not SO into YOU

you need two women to make you feel complete, huh?

doesn't that sound pathetic to you in anyway..?

sorry, i just can't get enough from my previous entry. the horrendous feelings is still there. mind it or just skipped away.

after watching "he is not so into you" last weekend, (starring by jennifer aniston, ben affleck and few actors and actress which is not my first concern) it had made me think through-the relationship i have ever established since i knew what love is. and i perfectly clear that what i have done in my previous relationships (mind the S, guys) are totally overwriting and wrong. i mean i defined love or devotion in different point of view and it ended up me being heart broken.

i am aware that love is not only about sharing, but it is more into faith and respect to each other. and NOT to forget-the purpose of being together. if you are not sure enough why are you in the relationship in the first place, why should you care to proceed? and what makes you stay eventhough your heart is not full of it? think back and answer these questions critically.

the main reason why do couples can be together until end of time is the ability to understand of each other needs. they way they asimilate their pacing and the urge to be pro-active whenever problems arises are the repercussions to the ultimatum. and i guess it wasn't that hard to imply, am i?
the core problem of mine is i always bring out the best in everybody. i overlook their weaknesses as i realized that we are just human. but everytime when i did, it is either people are taking advantage of me or i'm just killing my time. well, guess i always fall into wrong poles again. (and again? *chuckles)

from the movie itself, i figured out one HUGE thing about women. (well surprise..!!) the most uncompromise-irresistable thing of a women is that they have a strong tendency to dissect every guy's acts, words, gestures and what-so-ever and twisted, combined them together. they picked up every lilltle tiny things from guys (whom they have interest with) and turned them into signals or hints that lead to their dreamed romantic relationship. in this movie, there was a girl (a lady to be exact) who is desperately wanted to be in a relationship. as the process went through, she figured out that this guy (who she always seek for advises whenever she feels not sure about dating thingy) had a hit on her. she keeps on picking every gestures, moves and whatever concerned her and finally turned to this guy claiming that HE ACTUALLY LOVES HER!! and the moment where the guy cursing himself for letting this girl to think that way is expectable. it was sad to see when this girl just walked out from the house knowing that she was totally wrong.

i was kind of embarrassed to watch another scene where this desperate lady is expecting the calls from a guy she barely knows but fallen for him in just one night without failed. i mean why is it happening anyway? don't you have anything else to do instead of perched in front of the phone and wait? it's not worth waiting if in the end the guy does not has interest in you. so why?

i will never blame my own gender because we were born with it. the willpower to own something that we are certainly sure will lead us to the immortal happiness can never be ruined-by hook or by crook. wonder why ladies who undergone few failed relationship but still managed to rise and fall in love again? that's what we called COURAGE.

i guess i have to stop here before it becomes spicy. will revert soon as i finished doing my stuff. need to do some mind theraphy i guess - flipping over the dictionary? sure, will do!!!

i am dorky, but i know i am loveable too. :)
take care, darls..

i am taking my words back...

please be informed that this is an open letter. no offence, guys..!!

you broke my heart. yes, you did.

it wasn't first time, it has been numerous indeed.
i just dunno why am i still believing in you.
knowing you, i know it's just too imposibble.
you are nice-charming-the person i want to spend my whole life with
but i know
this is the most ugly truth
when you lied to me
and it hurts me most - deathly painful
i might dumb, and yes i admit it now for giving faith and my trust on you.

i given up my all to make you happy.
trying so hard to make you feel occupied
been there to catch you from falling
i would do everything
more than you could imagine.

but now, since you insisted
i am taking my words back.
and i won't regret that.


notes to be taken : this post was written in full hatred. please excuse the vocabs selected. the author is deeply hurt. thanks.

life is about HOPE: a tribute to him vol#1

The only reasons why i started to blog in the first place, it is because of HIM. The first cut. The first true love. The first touch. And the entry below were written 2 years back - 2007, the roughest time of my life. The time where i learned to rise again after an awful breakdown. i wrote this with my heart, mending every broken pieces into one. the truth is, i dunno why am i posting this, yes i do. But deeply inside, this writing did give me somehow a tremendous feelings inside-where i believe that life is about HOPE.

i cropped this from my former blog - tinta kirana:searching souls.

"LIFEmeetsHOPEmeetsCHANCEmeetsLOVEmeetsHEARTmeetsSHARINGmeetsTOGETHERmeetsVOWmeetsLIVINGmeetsDREAMSmeetsPLANNINGmeetsMOMENTSmeetsTENDERmeetsCARINGmeetsDATINGmeetsHAPPYmeetsTRIALmeetsPROBLEMmeetsQUARRELmeetsMISUNDERSTANDING meetsHURTFULmeetsTEARSmeetsGETTOGETHERmeetsAPOLOGIZESmeetSOKAYmeetIGNITINGmeetsCOMPATIBILITYmeetsOBSTACLESmeets TESTSmeetsPAINmeetsCONFUSEDmeetsDILEMMAmeetsHIMmeetsFAMILYmeetsDECISIONmeetsLETGOmeetsHURTSmeetsHEARTLESS…

..ni antara contents dalam journal aku..ade banyak lagi beautiful wordings yang kami share.mungkin tak exactly same sebab aku ubah sket untuk melindungi privasi aku dan orang2 tertentu,tapi sekurang2nye aku tak berselindung tentang ape yang aku rase..

it’s hurtful to overcome those things that relates to your heart..aku xcaye la kalu orang cakap they can compromise with their own feelings.those are bullshits!yang buat dorang kuat bukannye inner strength,tape EGOISME semata2..
actually,page yang ade dalam journal ni aku tak lengkap.aku pun tatau naper die tulis tak abes..aku rs aku bole paham..em,tapi the last 2 lines tu aku tambah sendiri la kat blog ni..juz to make it complete.cantik sket.takdelah hanging camtu je..

aku tau those words that comes from him are sincerely from the heart..n i do really appreciate them sebab tak sume orang berani illustrate their feelings in words..i mean in writing part la..i dun care whether people called me stupid or dumb,tapi kata2 dia yang wat aku jadi lebih kuat untuk face the real world..he is a good teacher on learning how to understand life..he did teach me alot..especially how to be more realistic in every decision making..
mungkin blog ni cam mengangkat dia secara berlebihan..em..just assumed this writing is kind of a tribute to him..for ever be the dearest person in my heart..banyak yang aku nak explen kat die,tapi aku sendiri pun tak banyak mase.biarlah,at least dia dah jumpe the real happines sekarang.juz wish the best from them.aku?em..i’m happy with wut he ever gave me before..i juz wanna keep those feelings in here..deep inside my heart..perasaan tu yang bagi aku kekuatan sampai ari ni..

aku rase cam ni blog terakhir aku je.tapi selagi aku ader,i’ll share everything wif you guys..i dun want people to make same mistakes as i did..what to do,we are not perfect..
so you guys,life is short,so cherished it..

“till death so us apart..”

im hoping dat he wud read this..my own last words..
gudbye,sayang….
..meetsDEATHmeetsELHAMFAIZmeetsALIVE.. "

i realized that by posting this that time, i am actually revealing the pathetic side of me. at that moment, i never thought a lot-on how people would response to my writings. i just don't even care anymore. because i was too hurtful to think about others. what i have in mind, is to let HIM know that he is not the only one who hurts the most. i never put high hopes after few weeks of publishing this entry. still none from him. and i am learning to let go. i never thought that he would read this. and to my surprise, he did.

he dropped few of his magical words.and yes, it is.

"i’ve read this n im damn proud of u.one who fall in a battle is a legend.but one who fell,stand up n fight is far more legendary, as they are the true winner.

SEPARATIONmeetsEXPERIENCEmeetADULTHOODmeetsREAL-LIFEmeetsFAITHmeetsDREAMSmeetsBREATHmeetsLET-GOmeetsNEVERmeetsDISTANCEmeetsHEARTmeetsHOPEmeetsTHE-END-OF-TIMEmeetsUSmeetsHEAVEN

maybe there’ll never be any love like yours,as nothing could compare such beauty.stand tough my lover,coz the Lord will repay u with someone.love comes n goes-but all the memories remain n never can end.

sincerely,

inside me "

its hard to know that someone who ever loved you would just gone. but as long as you believe that there is a silver lining across the cloudy sky, it would be just fine.

to be continued....

when the directions of the wind changed...

dear bloggie,

as i browsed over the entries i have published back from september 2008, i never thought that i have shared most of the stories of my personal life here. family-love life-heartbreaking-friends etc. it's funny to read back all the entries as i could possibly remembered the feelings when i wrote those things. the hurts, the joy,the passion- blended into one. i realized that by the time i finished up the readings, i have risked my private life for the world to reveal. and i guess it would be the best threat to damage my entire life. hello, people can do anything nowadays oke? just call me paranoid or what-so-ever, but people thinks and acts differently right?

i am counting days to my 25th birthday-reaching a quarter year of my life. it is a biggie number though. and still i couldn't imagine myself being 25th..!! generally, when this HUGE number is approaching, the directions of life started to change. i mean people starts to think seriously about what they want to accomplish. they are trying harder to gain more on what they already have. minority starts to reconstruct their mindset to think ahead. and certain people tend to prepare themselves for the new life-marriage..!!

i know at this point, i can't be childish anymore. sharing girlie stories. gigling over inmatured stuff. i have to start my new direction here. making people think. help them to understand life. nevertheless, sharing some joy and splendid ideas..!! being older doesn't mean that you have to grow older too. but it is how you potray yourself so that you won't look childish? (actually i lost the word to replace childish. but i guess the point is clear enough for everybody to understand.)

later on, i won't be surprised if the rating of my blog turning down. i feel like having a premonition about it now.whahaha. anyway, it's up to you to justify me. i am pretty sure that most of the people out there won't read serious-type of blog. definitely because it's suffocating. i mean why on earth do you wanna add few more bundles of pressure after hours of exhausting your brain? theeheehee..oke, i'm a little bit too hard here. in short, people surf blogs for theraphy. mind indulgence for the x-generation. even me myself laugh over the damn-funny entries of one my blogger friends. and sure is his entries are mind blowing, i tell you. hapacrita, i guess you should credit me on that. wink**

dear bloggie,
whatever it is deep down, you always make my day.

take care
kirana.

biarlah aku namakan dia bintang

asalnya aku mahu menulis tentang perkara2 yang aku buat hari ini. dan tergerak untuk update entry2 yang dah lama terperap dalam draf. sekadar mengambil inspirasi, aku singgah kejap ke blog ini. aku memang ikut blog dia sejak dari awl2 lagi. tapi tak pernah komen pun, kalau ada mungkin entry2 yang baru2. yelah, bukan sembarangan komen je boleh letak. harus berfikir dalam2 sebelum tinggalkan jejak. tuan punya blog miliki sensitiviti bahasa yang tinggi. tersalah menempek komen seakan meludah ke langit. tapi dia bukanlah sekeras itu. cuma metafora. itu pendapat peribadi aku tentang dia. siapa yang aku maksudkan..?biarlah aku namakan dia bintang.

membaca entry2 bintang selalunya akan menyuntik sesuatu di hati aku. kata2nya puitis. tersirat. berkias. hanya difahami oleh orang2 yang mahu memahami. bintang mengingatkan aku akan erti sebuah kesungguhan. yang mana aku selalu terlupa bagaimana rasanya. bintang juga mengajar aku untuk terima semuanya dengan lapang dada. dan redha terhadap segala ketentuan yang telah Allah lakarkan untuk hamba2Nya. sesuatu yang membuatkan aku hormati bintang adalah kerana jihadnya. aku kagum dengan kedegilan bintang dalam usaha mendapatkan sesuatu. sesuatu yang beliau percaya mampu membahagiakannya. bintang menerima perkara2 indah dalam hidupnya sebagai anugerah. dan anugerah itu adalah istimewa untuk bintang. aku bercakap tentang dia. dia yang bintang sayang sepenuh jiwa. dia yang bintang puja di dalam doa. dia yang bintang bisikkan dalam setiap tasbihnya. semuanya tentang dia.

bintang tak pernah kenal erti give-up. aku berfikir rugi sungguh rasanya melepaskan orang seperti bintang. tapi yelah, hati orang tak boleh dipaksa. tapi bintang tak pernah jemu berdoa. sehinggalah akhirnya masa itu tiba. dan bintang ikhlas melepaskan dia. "aku pasti setiap perempuan itu ada haknya...", a very gentleman indeed. aku tak pasti masih wujudkah spesies itu di muka bumi ini. masihkah..?

dari setiap bait kata2nya, bintang punya jiwa yang kreatif. melankolik. kesedihan yang jujur dari dalam hati. dan ada ketikanya, kata2 bintang begitu menyentuh hati perempuan aku. sungguh. karya2nya ikhlas. unik. dan aku tak hairan kalau bintang banyak silent reader dari seluruh pelusuk negara. secret admirers pun bukan sesuatu yang impossible untuk di-imaginasikan. bintang miliki aura yang sukar untuk aku jelaskan. kalau bintang mampu menakluk hati aku dengan magic dalam kata2 dalam entry2nya, tak mustahil bintang turut menawan hati perempuan2 lain di luar sana.

kalau tuhan takdirkan the other half aku adalah orang seperti bintang, aku yakin aku adalah antara orang2 yang paling bahagia di bumi ini. dan aku pasti siapa yang mendapatkan bintang adalah perempuan yang paling bertuah. aku mendoakan agar bintang menemukan rusuk kirinya yang hilang...suatu hari nanti.

bintang..teruskan menukilkan isi hatimu...!!!
















take care,
kirana

Qaseh Qirana Season 2 - Part 8

Kunang-kunang malam..tolonglah aku..

Bukan sepatutnya dia di German ke sekarang? Kenapa pulak dia ada disini? Dan apa hubungannya dengan abang Ikhwan?Bermacam soalan menghimpit neuron-neuron di kepala aku. Terasa begitu menyesakkan. Aku menelan air liur. Apa yang harus aku jelaskan kepada dia? Diam adalah tindakan terbaik yang mampu aku fikirkan ketika itu. Mungkin. Aku perhatikan Zakuan. Tiada reaksi di mukanya. Mata kami berlaga. Lama. Ikhwan menjadi saksi sinetron bisu kami ini. Pandangan aku silih berganti dengan dua wajah lelaki yang berbeza ekspresi. Zakuan. Mata aku mencuba mencari-cari maksud amarah dalam matanya. Seketika kemudian, Ikhwan menghampiri aku. Zakuan kelihatan tegang. Mencerlung matanya ketika tangan Ikhwan memegang legan aku. Kemas. Aku jadi serba salah. Masa ini pulak dah Ikhwan nak berdrama. Aku kaget.Kaku. Izham seperti terpinga-pinga. Of course lah dia tak tahu apa-apa kerana ini hanya peperangan saraf antara aku dan Zakuan. Ikhwan dan Izham hanya berada di tempat dan masa yang tidak sepatutnya.

“You kenal Qi?” Izham bertanya apabila melihat masing-masing senyap. Aku pulak berdebar menunggu jawapan yang bakal keluar dari mulut Zakuan. Haish…tawakal ajelah.

“Tunang I. Mana la I tak kenal pulak.”Sengaja ayat terakhir itu ditekan. Ada nada tegas di situ.

Ikhwan melepaskan pegangan tangannya. Dan menjarakkan dirinya jauh sedikit dari aku. Memandang aku dan Zakuan silih berganti. Apahal pulak lelaki ni?

“Qi, kenapa you tak beritahu I yang you dah engaged?”

Sudah. Apa pulak aku nak jawab ni? Aku melihat Zakuan. Mencari pertolongan di situ. Dia begitu selamba. Sengaja membiarkan aku dalam keadaan serba salah seperti itu. Amboi, dah buat cerita lepas tu tinggal aku terkantoi sorang-sorang. Very gentleman indeed.

“Qaseh, I guess we need to go. Kita ada family gathering pulak lepas ni kan?”, Zakuan menghampiri aku. Lengan aku yang tadinya dipegang Zakuan kini bertukar tangan. Aku tidak mampu berkata apa-apa ketika Zakuan memohon diri. Aku berpaling dan melihat Izham dan Ikhwan yang masih tidak memahami apa yang sedang berlaku.

“Kereta I”

“Nanti I suruh Kay ambil. You balik dengan I,” Zakuan memerintah dalam bisikannya . Tangan aku digegamgam erat ketika kami sama-sama melintasi Ikhwan. Seperti sengaja memberitahu Ikhwan supaya jangan mengganggu haknya.

“I’ll call you back. Sabar banyak-banyak”, Aku berpesan sebelum meninggalkan Ikhwan. Wajah serius Zakuan membuat aku jadi takut berlebih-lebihan dengan Ikhwan.

********************

Sepanjang perjalanan yang destinasinya tidak aku ketahui, Zakuan hanya senyap. Hanya lagu-lagu dari CD yang kedengaran. Aku tidak berani memulakan perbualan. Hanya melayan lagu-lagu pilihan Zakuan sambil mata aku menjamah panorama alam di sepanjang lebuhraya itu. Sehinggalah lagu “Terima Kasih Cinta” berkumandang, Zakuan menguatkan volume. Aku melihat dia sekilas. Wajahnya tidak lagi tegang. Lebih santai. Relaks.

“You are the greatest thing in my life, Qaseh”

Aku terkejut mendengar kata-kata itu meluncur laju di bibirnya. Unexpectable. Kerana dari tadi amat jelas dia sangat marahkan aku. Jelas sangat di wajahnya bahawa dia amat tidak berpuas hati dengan apa yang berlaku. Tetapi lain pulak jadinya. Aku keliru.

“Kalau you ada apa-apa yang you nak confess sekarang, I think this is the best time.”

Kereta diparkir ke bahu jalan. Sunyi. Dan aku mula cuak. Apa pulak agenda Zakuan membawa aku ke tempat seperti ini. Aku mula terbayang cerita-cerita ngeri. Aduiyai, kenapalah imaginasi aku terlebih liar pulak ni?

“You…”

Hanya itu yang mampu aku katakan saat itu. Aku nampak Zakuan telah melonggarkan tali pinggang keledar. Ya Allah, bantulah aku…

kiranaJIWA makeOVER

menarik tak layout baru..? **wink2

ilham nak tukar layout ni datang masa aku dok tensen2 berkerja. banyak benda nak settle, tapi bila melibatkan third party yang perlu involve untuk communicate, aku jadi tensen. berkerja dalam tekanan yang tinggi membuat aku cepat bosan. kerja yang patut selesai cepat jadi stranded in the middle. terpaksa bawak pulak ke hari lain. sigh~

melayan kebosanan itulah maka aku memblog. first nawaitu adelah nak tukar background. layout plain putih tu takde masalah sebenarnya. cuma aku rasa nampak macam tak balance dengan header blog masa page tengah loading. segan bila header merah mak ngah tu megah menyerlah. imbalance center of attraction. hayat header tu rasanya tak lama. macam nak edit lain. buat header yang low profile sikit. down to earth kata orang putih. tapi tunggu lah masa nafsu meng-edit gambar datang. malam2 edit gambar sambil hirup teh o panas. baru ada jiwa header aku tu. heh. perasan.

dalam gigihnya aku mencari layout untuk rumah baru ni, aku tak sangka banyak rupanya website untuk benda2 macam ni. jauhnya aku tertinggal sejak malas meng-kodek blog. last kegigihan ber-update adelah time aku duduk rumah menternak lemak. masa tu terasa macam nak publish banyak2 sehari. sekarang ni pun aku rasa dah tak ramai yang singgah blog ni. bersawang riang. dalam seminggu ada 2,3 post. itupun kalau ade yang perasan. zaman cemerlang cik kirana sudah berakhir? mungkin la kot. novel pun tinggal novel je. part 8 separuh siap. ingat nak publish, tapi aku masih belum bersedia. malu lah post something yang belum betul2 sempurna. sebab setiap tulisan akan reflects the way how the writer thinks. dan kenapa aku begitu concern? because people tend to judge people so easily nowadays.ayat kiasan?abaikan.

wah..ingat nak update dua tiga ayat, tapi dah jadi dua tiga paragraph dah ni. mungkin ini adelah permulaan kebangkitan cik kirana kembali dalam dunia blog...?uwee~

menghayati layout blog buat aku berangan sorang2. tiba2 terasa macam hari2 nak update blog bila layout dah cemerlang macam ni.
hiks~

jom sambung kerja. ada orang dok usha aku taip entry ni...
haih...

kawan2..kamu adelah magic..!!

aku berjalan-jalan ke blog kawan2.yang bukan kawan pun aku redah je.sebab? dalam dunia blog takde boundaries. pandai berkawan, ramailah kawan. kalau bertuah, jumpa kawan sejati. sanggup berkongsi susah senang. lagi bertuah kalau dapat jumpa the other half. erk. out of topic alredi. maafkan saya. :P

mulanya aku malas nak update. sebab takde cerita menarik pun nak dikongsi. tak macam dulu2. disebabkan hari ni workload tak banyak, and mostly sudah dihabiskan sebelum deadline (bajet pekerja berdedikasi) maka aku ber-facebook-kan diri sambil blog walking.

singgah ke blog abam ni betul2 buat jiwa aku tersentuh. dah lama sebenarnya aku tak tinggalkan jejak dalam blog dia. terkejut tengok dah banyak entry yang di-publish. rasa macam ketinggalan pulak. huhu. tapi secara keseluruhannya, ayat2 dia tersangatlah tulus. jujur to be exact. personally, entry beliau berjaya meninggalkan kesan nostalgic dalam hati aku. serius abam kamu sangat magic..!!!

kemudian aku ke blog follower baru. saje2 menyinggah kejap. it came to my surprise that this girl really luv typing. aku tabik spring sebab entry dia banyak perkataan.sangat banyak oke.huu..even aku sendiri pun tak boleh nak taip sepanjang tu. dari entry2 dia, aku boleh sense yang she is still in recovering phase. and there i realized that i am not the only one who broken hearted. lots of people out there encounter the same too..jujurnya, this girl sangat outspoken bila bercerita tentang isi hati. truthfully true indeed. girl, you really rawks..!!!

sekarang aku berfikir...hanya menulis perkara2 yang menyenangkan hati. menjelmakan perasaan happy terutamanya kepada orang2 yang tak putus2 ikut blog ni. sebab aku rasa adelah satu kewajipan untuk meninggalkan sedikit magic kepada mereka. kerana mereka adelah magic..!!

take care darls.
luv you to the bits~